I Guess I'm Not a Real Republican

Monday, February 9, 2009 8:06 AM

For years now, I thought I was a Republican. I used to be a Democrat, because my parents were Democrats, but as I grew older and wiser, and saw how much good Ronald Reagan had done for this country and for the world, I began to think I could be a Republican too. I read Ayn Rand, who warned me about Republicans, and I attended Libertarian meetings, where they warned me about Republicans, but I thought I knew better. As the Democrats, who have always been apologists for the "progressive" agenda, moved farther and farther to the left, I joined the Republican party. I thought that the Republicans would stop the Democrats, and I thought I could be one.

It seems I was wrong on both counts.

Republicans play golf. I hate golf. I tried it when I was a teenager, but I could never hit the ball straight or get it to move very far. I gave up golf.

Republicans are good sports. They believe that it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. The thing is, even back when I was a Democrat, I never thought politics was a game. Scrabble is a game. I liked Scrabble, and I was good at it. But somehow I always took politics seriously; much too seriously, I guess, to be a Republican.

Republicans are never sore losers. They do lose. They lose a lot. Like the Congressional elections of 2006, for example. Which was a big loss, but nothing compared to the debacle of 2008. But real Republicans don't let losing get them upset or angry. Now, me, I was angry and depressed when Obama won. I was a sore loser. A very sore loser. I guess I could never really become a Republican.

Republicans are not ideologues. They don't think ideologically, and they look down on people who do. Like Democrats, for example. Democrats are always trying to make the country more socialist, or more Marxist or more environmentalist. Democrats are always pushing for some kind of "ism." Republicans are not like that. They don't get caught up in this "ism" stuff. Like capitalism, for example. What is that, anyhow? Just one more "ism." Now I, on the other hand, am very ideological. I like capitalism. I think that capitalism is a great idea. I want to see the country become more capitalist and less Marxist. But if I were playing golf with some Republican, and I talked about capitalism and Marxism, I know his eyes would just glaze over, and he would think I was some kind of weirdo.

And that's another problem. I AM a weirdo. I have a beard. I drive a Volvo. I like wearing tie-die T-shirts sometimes. I listen to Tom Waits. I hate elevator music. I am sure that Republicans never drive Volvos. In fact, I don't even know what kind of cars Republicans do drive. You see how much of a weirdo I am? No, I could never be a real Republican.

I spend a lot of time on Twitter. How weird is that? I even meet Republicans on Twitter. Real Republicans. But I also meet a lot of weirdos too. I'll admit that I like the weirdos much more than the real Republicans who are not sore losers. I listen to weirdos on the radio too. Like Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin. I even listen to Michael Savage. How weird can you get? Real Republicans don't like Rush Limbaugh. He embarrasses them. And they've never even heard of Michael Savage.

Now take Senator Susan Collins, R-ME. She's a real Republican. I'll bet Rush Limbaugh embarrasses her too. I'll bet she LOVES golf. She is not ideological. And she is definitely not a sore loser. She tried very hard to get the amount of the SB1 spending bill reduced, the bill that Rush Limbaugh calls "porkulus," and she didn't get as much of a reduction as she wanted. In fact, the concessions she got from those ideological Democrats were rather pathetic. Bur did Senator Susan Collins R-ME get mad?

Heck, no. Only weirdos like me get mad. Susan Collins is a good sport, and good sports don't filibuster, which is what weirdos and sore losers do. So the bill will pass. Will the other Senate Republicans get mad at Susan Collins? I doubt it. I don't think they're sore losers.

Well, I tried. I guess I just couldn't pass for a Republican. I'm much too ideological and weird. And I don't play golf. So it seems it's just us ideological weirdos against the Democrats. We don't need Republicans.

Unless they're ideological sore losers. And maybe weird. Weird helps.