No, Virginia (& CA & PA & NY) There is No Santa Claus

Monday, January 19, 2009 1:50 PM

When I was a kid, maybe as young as six, my mother broke the news to me: Santa Claus doesn't exist. My mother, you see, did not think it was right to take advantage of a young child's gullibility. After she told me, I launched my own personal crusade to convince the other kids that the fat jolly elf with the reindeer sleigh was a fictional figment of fantasy. How many of my friends did I convince? None. None whatsoever.

Today, I find myself very oddly in the same predicament. The #msm (Mainstream Media) and the DNC do not share my mother's scruples against defrauding the naive. To the contrary, they have presented us with a reincarnation of the same jolly elf, who, unlike the original, has a buff body and has never been photographed in a red suit. Like the original, the new Santa travels all over, from Kenya to Hawaii to Indonesia, in a metaphorical sleigh pulled by clean energy with zero carbon footprint, and no radiation. (Real reindeer, you see, emit methane gas which destroys the planet.) In his bag, the new Santa, like the original, comes bearing gifts, but only one kind of gift: pork. Pork, pork, pork, pork, pork.

Another, and a very significant difference between the new Santa and the old is the pesky habit that the old Santa had of rejecting kids who had been bad. The new one will reward you if you've been bad. Issue bad mortgage loans? Lie about sniper fire in Bosnia? Promulgate monetary policies which led to a worldwide financial collapse? Forget to pay your taxes? Pardon some terrorists? The new Santa might not only give you whatever you ask for, he might even invite you to be one of his elves.

The new Santa doesn't arrive on Christmas. He arrives 26 days later, which is why I'm writing this now on Day 25. That was the change we have been waiting for.

But sadly for me, I haven't changed. I still don't believe in Santa. Not the old one and not the new one. And I'm still trying unsuccessfully to convince the other kids, many of them now senior citizens, and some my close friends, that both Santas are fictional figments of fantasy. If I had the power to make one of the Santas real, which of course I don't, I would pick the old Santa. I kinda like the red suit. It's the same color as the states where America's smartest people live. And I especially like the fact that the old Santa would never reward badness. Not that I'm perfect. Heck, if I were a big shot employee of the International Monetary Fund, I'd cheat on my taxes too. But you get the point.