Parable of the Kidneys

October 29, 2009 7:38 PM

A man, a Mr. Able, lives in a semi-socialist country, where the law permits the needy to sue individuals for property, including body parts. Mr. Able receives a summons: a needy person, Mr. Needy, is suing him for both his kidneys, on the grounds that Mr. Needy has severe kidney failure, and will soon die when his kidneys are no longer functioning. Mr. Able and Mr. Needy meet in a courtroom where the plaintiff presents his case:

Mr. Needy: it is clear that you are able to provide me with two kidneys, according to the socialist principle, "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need." I demand a kidney transplant from you next Monday, a transplant of both your kidneys. You have lived your whole life with good kidneys, whereas mine have been failing for years. I am clearly in the right, and whether you die without kidneys is no concern of mine. That is only fair, because you would have no concern about my death if you are allowed to keep your kidneys.

The judge then asks Mr. Able to present his case for refusing to allow both of his kidneys to be transplanted into Mr. Needy's body.

Mr. Able: You have no right to cause my death by claiming my kidneys on the basis of need. You have no right to claim my kidneys at all. Those kidneys belong to me. They are part of my body, and, as such, they are legally my property. I rest my case.

The judge retires to his chambers to consider the case, and returns an hour later to deliver his verdict:

The judge: The problem with both of you is that you do not understand moderation, compromise, and bipartisanship. I hereby order Mr. Able to appear at the hospital on Monday morning to have one, but only one, of his kidneys transplanted into the body of Mr. Needy. You may now each make a brief statement of your opinion about my decision.

Mr. Needy: I want to appeal your decision. We live in a semi-socialist nation and I need those kidneys. You are obligated to order Mr. Able to deliver them.

Mr. Able: This is completely unjust! A socialist judge has no right to seize my kidneys by force to deliver them to another man according to his need.

The judge responds: Ah, but you see I am not a socialist. In fact, I oppose socialism. I am a Republican. A Republican moderate. What is important to me is moderation in all things, compromise in all disputes, consensus in all public matters, and bipartisanship, which is always preferable to partisan bickering. I hereby order you, Mr. Able, to report to the hospital monday morning to have one of your kidneys transplanted into Mr. Needy's body. Next case!

Banging his gavel, the moderate Republican judge indicates that the hearing is over and his decision is final.